warning: this thread contains 7MB of pics and bad sense of humour
Spaghetti alla Carbonara
Henlo frens! Welcome in another amazing episode of Cooking Waka
, where your favourite
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Today's episode was born from something that happened to me recently: a friend poked me in discord while I was leaning on ground naked (it's that hot here lately...), and showed me a vid of Gordon Ramsay (you know, the famous chef who is always pissed off at you despite you didn't do anything) cooking a dish which is quite famous in Italy, especially in Rome: spaghetti alla carbonara
I didn't take it too well overall. I'm not that huge italian patriot or something: imo you can have your sinful pizza with 0% tomato sauce 100% unidentified american cheese, I don't care. Although my reaction to Gordon's carbonara can be described in the pic below:
Every time Gordon called his pasta thing "carbonara" in that vid, I took a shot of zibibbo wine, andh im a bit dnrunk itT think hic hhehhehee;; m,matybe I shold sthosp
Since I'm your favourite cooker ever, I'm going to show you what a true carbonara is like. Definitely nothing like the vid above shows lmfao.
Do note though that I'm not roman (I'm from Switzerland), so it won't be 100% perfect and accurate to the ancient roman tradition.
LET'S GET STARTED!
The ingredients needed are the following:
- 80gr of Spaghet n°5
- pancetta/guanciale (I use prociutto ham here since I didn't have any of these)
- Black Desert Online
- 2 eggs
- a glass
- a blue jar
- a smwc account
- a smwc hacking contest in which you try hard a lot, like vldc or Idol if you're a porter
- parmiggiano reggiano cheese
- boat turning wooden thing
- special spoon of wisdom
- warrior helmet we crafted in a previous episode using a screwdriver
- carta forno antiaderente
- a pot
- black magic to generate water
- a small magic oven
- some dishes
- mastro lindo sgrassatore
A pic with some of the more crucial ingredients here:
OKAY, LET'S GET STARTED!
Before you decide anything, you must be aware that this reciepe requires some good level of cooking. In particular, there's a crucial passage which, if not done well, will make you produce a dish which will give you salmonellosis, and you don't want that yes?
To check if your cooking level is high enough, start Black Desert Online, log in, and once in the world, press "p". You should get a window like this:
You must know that irl your life skills go like this:
Beginner -> Apprentice
Each level can be of level 0 to level 10, except for Guru, which maxes out at Guru 50.
To make an example, chef Bruno Barbieri is Guru 50.
For our carbonara, you must be atleast Skilled 5 in cooking.
As you see in my case, I'm Artisian 5, so I'm fine and I won't get salmonellosis if I fail the crucial passage.
Now, before we get to cooking the goddman spaghet, let's prepare our table for an unforgivable luncheon.
I prepare mine usually like this:
Notice the use of Mastro Lindo, used as water, which will control your cooking while you do. He'll eventually shout at you if you're doing something wrong.
Some bread is also suggested. Spaghetti alla Carbonara is anything but a light meal, so some bread to cleanse your stomach while eating it would be nice.
If you don't have bread, toasts bread is fine too.
OKAY WE'RE READY TO COK!
This dish has 3 parts in total:
- the ham part (layer 3 decoration)
- the raw egg salmonellosis part (aesthetics)
- the pasta part (level design)
Let's take care of the ham part first! We want to cook it inside our magic oven. If you don't have a magic oven, you can start a fire with wooden logs on ground, or use a frying pan.
Since magic oven is hotter than any Helltaker waifu, you must cover its support, so use your carta forno antiaderente as shown below:
Meanwhile, shout Riga Storæma loudly against the magic oven to accumulate all the magic of hell inside it:
Can you feel how powerful it is? If you put even a finger inside, it'll melt before you'd ever realise!
Now, grab your pancetta/guanciale, and cut it to pieces. Make them big, so they feel nice in the mouth that's what she said AAAAAAAAAAA.
As said, though, I used prociutto ham, so I'll limit myself to cut it into pieces like this:
...something like this.
Once done, use this as sacrifice for the magic oven:
Notice how the oven shutted down its lights. That's because he's judging if you're worth the sacrifice or not.
In general, magic ovens take a lot of time for a sacrifice, so let it go, and let's focus on else now.
The mystery meat is now done, so let's get to the raw egg salmonellosis part!
Open 2 eggs, but take only the red part:
You are free to keep the slimy disgusting part, incase you want your carbonara more creamy. But that'll also make it much heavier to eat.
Add pepper and parmigiano reggiano cheese:
Use C on Linux to call fork() and use the generated fork to mix everything!
The parmigiano reggiano has to melt together with the egg:
Keep it in the bowl at the side. This also ends the egg salmonellosis part!
Now let's get to cooking the pasta!
Grab your pot, put it on fire, and use your black magic to generate water inside it.
If you don't know black magic, then I don't know why you're still reading this. Perhaps you want to check my C3 ports instead?
If you did good enough, you should have something like this:
I mispelled some parts of my magic spell and I broke reality, as you can see on top left. Don't mind it, life will fix itself hopefully.
Let's keep the pot on fire, until the water begins ExAnimating like lava tiles.
Meanwhile, prepare the warrior helmet and put it on your kitchen sink like this:
We'll use it to drain our water from the spaghet when they'll be ready!
Now, while water heats, login SMWC, check current contests and events, and partecipate in a contest, and try hard for it, aiming to be 1st place to Makana.
Once you get the results, if you did your best, you should not get in first 3, but possibly immediately after, like 4th, 5th or so. At max, you have to get in the place immediately after the good badges are handed, so like after 5th or 6th, depends on the contest.
As soon as you see the result, grab your blue jar and keep it tight to you. While you do, show your disappointment about the results, either with a smwc public post, hopefully starting a drama, or showing your opinions in your private Discord server with your friends. If possible, blame judges for poor judging, and also shittalk the winners, since they clearly didn't deserve it.
After you did this, your jar which you kept holding all the time should have some salt inside!
Put the salt you just produced in the water. Put a pinch of it! We already have parmiggiano in our egg salmonellosis, which is salty itself (he didn't win the last 24ho contest). We don't need too much more salt!
While water keeps heating, let's check our sacrifice offering from our magic oven. Poke the meat you offered with the fork generated with fork() earlier:
The offering gets accepted when you see that the fat of the meat becomes translucent against subscreen (level mode 1E/1F in Lunar Magic). When this happens, it means that it's ready.
Show appreciation to the oven by playing with its buttons and circle things on the side:
It likes it a lot, it's like saying thank you for the results produced after the offering.
Collect the results produced:
That looks hot isn't it?
I mean, it's hot by all means.
After the whole magic oven subquest is over, and you claimed your rewards, let's check the water:
Can you see it? There's some ExAnimated lava tile on it!!
(you actually don't. pic quality is shit)
Here is the time you throw in your spaghet:
Tob I swear to god if you burn your spaghet again!
As you see in the pic, use the boat turning wooden thing to bend your spaghet. We've seen how the approaching with spaghet goes in a previous episode, so I won't repeat that (also because the site now doesn't like +18 stuff so rip :<)
As your spaghet cooks for a bit, use your special spoon of wisdom, to get some of spaghet water:
...and save it in the glass:
Depending on how good we are during the crucial step, we may need this spaghet water or not.
Now comes the crucial part!
Please pay attention! I'd hate it if you get salmonellosis here.
I prepared some level design pic here for you:
As you can see, we have 3 steps here:
1) As soon as the spaghet is ready, throw everything in the warrior helmet in the middle (red arrow)
2) Once you drained some of the water (keep some water in the spaghet), QUICKLY throw it in the bowl with the egg salmonella (blue arrow)
3) Mix it very fast! If you hear the level clear fanfare song, then it's done!
Once mixed for a bit, it should look like this:
Pay attention to the sliminess of the egg!
To obtain the famous carbonara cream, your egg has to cook partially. If you cook it too much, you'll get an omelette! That's why we threw the spaghet in the bowl: spaghet are still hot when they get in the bowl. We are using their heat to partially cook the egg.
If you find the egg too slimy, it's suggested you cook the spaghet on a pan for a few seconds (green arrow in the level design pic, aim for the secret exit). Watch out though, since you don't want your cream to become an omelette. At the same time, though, you want to avoid to get salmonellosis from eating raw egg.
Lastly, if your cream is too "solid", you may add a bit of the pasta water we collected in the glass earlier, and keep mixing.
Once you mixed enough, add the meat we made with the magic oven:
Mix more, and finally serve it on your dish, adding more parmesan on top, depending on your likings:
And here you have it!
SPAGHETTI ALLA CARBONARA
Finally we're done! Serve, and enjoy. I suggest to eat a banana after it.
This whole meal should grant you the following buffs:
- Combat EXP +50%
- Skill EXP +15%
- All evasion -50%
- All attack +50%
- All defense +100%
- Casting speed -30%
- Luck +3
- Fishing speed -20%
- Chance to be struck by lighting -20%
They last for 180 minutes immediately after you give your banana the last bite.
We're done here!
If you're still alive 12 to 72 hours after you had this dish, you probably didn't get salmonellosis! Lucky you!!
That's all for this episode, my friends! I hope you enjoyed as much as I did eating this!
Though I think I have to go to the bathroom now...
See you in another episode of: