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Java/JVM/JRE ARGH!

So I am having a very, to say the least, strange issue with Java on my computer.
To put it simply, it doesn't work. At all. I install the JRE, and it says "oh hey success!" except if I try to open a java-based *.exe *COUGHMINECRAFTCOUGH* it just does nothing. Nothing at all. As if I had never tried to open it.
The one exception to this is a program that is written in java, but it is the only one that does something when I try to open it. I get this error:
"The JVM could not be started. The main method may have thrown an exception."
If I uninstall java, then when I try to open a java-based *.exe I get a message saying that I need java to run this.
Additionally, the java Firefox plugin that is supposed to be installed along with it does basically the same thing--it just sits there, as if there is no java.
I have Win 7 x64, and I have tried opening everything with only the 32-bit java installed, only the 64-bit java installed, and with both installed at the same time. Also, I have gone through and deleted absolutely everything that have to do with java that I could find, like the "Sun" folders in AppData\LocalLow and in ProgramData and the java keys in HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software and HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE.
I also (in a rage...) made the decision deleted all environment variables, both system and user, that had anything java-y in the name. Probably not a good decision, but, well...

Any help at all with this is very much appreciated, thanks in advance!
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Kind of really late as I fixed this problem ages ago, but this can be closed.

Full system reinstall fixed it. The hard way, but guaranteed success.

This can be trashed/closed/ignored or whatever.
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