The Thread of Joy

I went to Toronto for a concert and my best friend agreed to let me stay with her and for the first time in about 9 months we actually got to spend some quality time hanging out with one another. It was lovely

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ask me if i give a f*ck...

I haven't been on anti-depressants for a month and I've been doing great really. It feels like things are starting to fall into place and there's an actual sense of recovery from my depression. Therapy helps, don't let people tell you otherwise.

Hey it's great to hear that! That's the kinda stuff I love to see xD I'm prouda you!

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My youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbX4pLm713laHTRtLj9xpxw
My twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/theqwollone

Mmh, nothing makes me happier than a good meal, and I had one today right at home. Probably the most international dinner I've ever had.

For a starter, eight California rolls dipped in a savory teriyaki sauce. Then, the main course, grilled filet mignon served rare alongside an Italian salad coated in zesty dressing and strawberry vinaigrette. Then, a croissant for a palate cleanser before a desert of strawberry shortcake, with a thick dollop of extra-sweet whipped cream on top.

I feel like I could write a menu the way I wrote this, jeez. It was quite the meal, and I didn't expect to come home to something so "restaurant"-y and multicultural today. Definitely makes up for doing factoring in math.

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I've become very grumpy these last few years, and have been biting my tongue here in SMWC's forums quite a bit. I just want to let you all know that if ever I come off as harsh, I still care about you all. You guys are great.

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I can relate to that feeling quite well. At work, we have been invited to Zenzakan twice (for christmas 2014 and 2016). Zenzakan is quite a noble restaurant here in Frankfurt and the food you get to eat there is something you'll be dreaming about for years. For example: I'm not even a fan of fish. I'd say I actually quite dislike fish in most forms. The fish you get to eat there is so extremely exquisite, though, that I can't even find proper words to describe it. Everything they serve - from their starters over their main dishes to their desserts - will leave you speechless. My favorite so far are their Takoyaki. I've only eaten them twice and they have left me speechless and wanting for more both of those times.

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Feel free to visit my website/blog - it's updated rarely, but it looks pretty cool!

That sounds fantastic, and the photos make the place look immaculate. Shame it's across the pond and in a nation I don't know the language of.

Sadly, there isn't too much authentic Asian food in my city - we're packed with old-fashioned diners and cafes, but most of the less "American" places have had to sacrifice some of their menu to survive. For example, Unami, a small sushi house with the best sushi in the city only serves 'sushi burritos' now, which while good in their own right, aren't exactly rolls. There are some Thai places downtown, but they're struggling.

Some of the better food I've had has to be from BJ's at Valley River Center. But, I've also probably gotten better treatment than most there due to the fact that I'm the manager's niece, so I can't quite say that my experience is representative of the place.

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I've become very grumpy these last few years, and have been biting my tongue here in SMWC's forums quite a bit. I just want to let you all know that if ever I come off as harsh, I still care about you all. You guys are great.

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Yeah, I guess that's one of the benfits of living in a huge city (assuming the location in your profile is true, Frankfurt has about seven times the population as that city). Well, of course there are also lense dense and popular places here (for example, I know that one restaurant down our street that has changed names and owners about three or four times within the past few years alone - have never eaten there, and neither will I). But the closer you get to the populated areas and gathering places (like Frankfurt Zeil, for example), the more options for food you generally have. For example: at work, we have made it kind of a "tradition" to order food at least once a week (if we can afford it), and there really are lots of restaurants to choose from. Usually we go with Fletcher's Better Burger, who make some of the best burgers in town, but we also try new things occasionally. Zenzakan is definitely on the higher end, though, so we don't normally go there if we aren't invited.

Although technically, we totally could. It's a noble restaurant, yes, but it actually has affordable prices if you don't go for some of their "high end" meals or wines. Like, for an average menu there (starter + main dish + dessert), you pay about 70 € per person. Expensive, yes, but not unaffordable. My average meal at McDonald's, for example, already costs me more than 10 €, for the price of just seven visits there, I could technically afford a meal at Zenzakan. Of course not something we'd want to do often, but definitely something we could consider doing once or twice a year to treat ourselves.

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Feel free to visit my website/blog - it's updated rarely, but it looks pretty cool!

Yeah. Even if you combine the whole population of Lane County, it's still dwarfed by Frankfurt. Springfield/Eugene combined have about a third the population in about half the square mileage.

I'm going to be living in the city my whole life - being a game developer of some description, you sort of have to - but I dread the idea of living in much more packed a locale than I already do. I grew up in a small coastal town along Humboldt County California, the whole county housing just over 100,000 people in a 4000+ square mileage. It was beautiful, and there were lots of places you could go to be alone and unwind. Even going to the nearby cities was a calming experience more than anything, since the people who were there were usually baked. I miss the smell of the coast and the relaxed atmosphere there.

Point is, I may end up living in cities my whole life, but the city is not natural to me. My grandfather lived most of his life alone at sea and I was raised by a man who'd lived in Humboldt his whole life. I don't know how people do it in places like Frankfurt or San Francisco, it just isn't in my blood. Don't even mention NYC or London, good lord.


Anyway, back on topic, 70 euros for a three-course meal at a restaurant with the Michelin Plate sounds pretty reasonable to me, but I can see why you wouldn't eat there too often, regardless. Still, it seems like quite the treat, and I'd love to have someplace similar nearby. Though to be fair, I don't know much about the restaurant scene in Portland or Salem. Maybe I'll have to look into it - an anniversary is coming up for me, after all.

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I've become very grumpy these last few years, and have been biting my tongue here in SMWC's forums quite a bit. I just want to let you all know that if ever I come off as harsh, I still care about you all. You guys are great.

(Avatar by http://reyleias.tumblr.com/, butchered by me)

Haha, ironically, it's the exact opposite for me. I also grew up in a rural area with pretty much nothing there, but I'd never want to go back there, I've just grown too used to the comfortable life in a city. You can get almost anything here and I guess I just prefer that over having a calm and remote place for myself. I definitely still see the appeal, though.

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Feel free to visit my website/blog - it's updated rarely, but it looks pretty cool!

You know what's amazing?

4 days ago I had 6 passages to read, 7 essays to write, 2 tests, and 1 subject to research, write a 5 minute speech to research, write, and memorize. I was really panicking at the time, but now I'm actually almost done and fairly confident it's going to be just fine! It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it, cause I didn't think I had it in me xD It just goes to show that when life pushes hard, you can always push harder, and I'm always learning.

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My youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbX4pLm713laHTRtLj9xpxw
My twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/theqwollone

The panic response the night before something is due is the only thing that drives me to finish assignments sometimes

I just found out that I have a psychology test tmrw morning. It's on 4 chapters that I've hardly reviewed at all, and it's as late as 11:30pm. Now watch this, cause I'm about to learn every single fact there is to read in each of these chapters by tomorrow, despite my ADHD, and I'm gonna ace this. I have a little smirk on my face. I'm excited to take on this challenge. (:<

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My youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbX4pLm713laHTRtLj9xpxw
My twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/theqwollone

That's what's up! Hey that's really freaking awesome news! Proud to hear how your life's been turned around. Also, congratulations graduate!

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My youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbX4pLm713laHTRtLj9xpxw
My twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/theqwollone

I went to the doctor yesterday because I was getting acid reflux from almost anything I ate, which legitimately scared me, but the doctor told me that it's actually just caused by stress and anxiety, and I just need to calm down. School is what's stressing me out the most, but I do get stressed over other things too. I felt so relieved after hearing that I don't have a digestive disorder and it's just stress that needs to be managed. Once the school year ends, I'll feel much better for sure, but as of now, I already feel more relaxed.

Also congratulations for staying strong, BZM!

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Formerly known as nick 139
My YouTube channel

So, this is gonna sound like a terrible terrible thing at first, but I assure you, it's a magnificent blessing in disguise.

I've been thinking about getting into parkour for a while now, and last night, I finally tried something more dangerous then vaulting a very short fence or jumping up a 4-step staircase in one bound.

Btw, PSA: climbing a very steep hill, even one only about 7 feet tall, is dangerous, and you might just injure yourself. Like I did. I'll spoiler it for the squeamish, but what happened was, Easily the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life, and even worse was when

But when all's said and done, I feel pretty good! I was really depressed before the incident, and now that it's over, I feel a lot more alive! I'm proud of myself for getting through it, and I feel like I can take on anything!.... in 4-6 weeks, when my leg heals. But still! : P

I think maybe I needed to get injured. I needed to be shown what pain and injury were like so I could understand them, so I'd be less afraid to try new things. It sucks that I can't walk without crutches, but you know what? I'm okay with this. And if it happens again - and I'm sure it will - I'm okay with that too.

I still want to try parkour stuff, and I'm excited to see what the future holds. I'm not going to let my fear hold me back anymore, because at the end of the day, I can get through whatever happens. : )

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This signature is post-modern.

You are pretty amazing. College is already hard enough without the immense burden of depression and suicidal thoughts, so being able to get a better grasp on life with a therapist, and then graduate with honors, is extremely impressive.


It is a bit scary how stress can cause so many illnesses. But yeah knowing that it is from stress and not it's own thing definitely does help you feel better. Good to hear it's not some scary disease and instead something more manageable.


I can't remember the exact numbers but I remember hearing that falling off a height that is 6-7+ feet tall increases risk of injury by like 500%. Pretty scary. I'm guessing it's because falling off a height taller than yourself makes it easier to fall head first.
That does sound like a terrible thing, but I know what you mean. Sometimes we need to (kinda literally in your case) fall to realize how we can improve ourselves.
Obviously just make sure you be careful since parkour can be pretty dangerous. Though you already know that from experience.

Recently I've been spending less time online and spending that time doing other things instead, and I feel way better than before. I feel like the internet has gotten extremely negative in the past few months, I mean, it's to the point where I had to re-evaluate where I spend my time online.
Part of it is me spending more time with people irl and realizing just how much the internet's negativity warps your mind. There is the obvious extreme racism/sexism/everything-ism, but more than that I feel like too many people online don't even bother attempting to discuss things and understand other people. Too many people who bottle up their emotions, and don't speak about problems they have with their online community, and then end up exploding. It's hard to find people you can have civil discussions with, as in, discussions that are not "you disagree with my opinion? I'm going to insult you now". It really boggles my mind that some people can get so incredibly angry at someone because they like or dislike something they don't. Seriously, someone is angry because something makes you happy. Why on earth would you ever get upset because of that?

I know that all is pretty negative, but realizing I was spending a lot of time in places that negatively affected me, and then being able to leave those places has me feel much better.

Honestly I'm really really proud of myself for getting to where I am right now. I got lucky and have a job that starts next month, and it's one that I think will actually enjoy, which is a first. I'm also really happy with my grades this semester, I got a C (eh but whatever) and 3 As. I'm mainly happy because I completely shit the bed spring 2016. At university I got an A, a C-, and 3 Fs. This meant I was on probation, meaning if my GPA by the end of this year ended up being less than the number required, I'd be suspended for a year. Aside from the obvious problem with that, it would also mean that my family would become homeless, since we get child support money as long as I'm in university.
But I did it. I managed to succeed.

I keep comparing myself to the me in 2015, and the me in 2016. 2015 was when everything went to shit for me, which lead to me crashing real hard in 2016. At various points during 2016 I wasn't even sure if I would survive the year.
And then there's the me now, in 2017. I can tell I've grown a ton in these past two years. I've learned how to understand and deal with my past. I think the biggest changes are that I'm no longer constantly afraid and anxious, and don't let people walk all over me anymore. Still have some anxiety but for the first time I'm actually confident and relaxed. I've been diagnosed with OCD and PTSD but I actually feel better being diagnosed. It removes the self-doubt, allows me to get proper treatment and properly deal with it.

I think I realized that hiding and denying things doesn't do anything but hurt you. You can't improve something if you don't acknowledge that something is wrong. I'm sure 99% of you know this and have been told this before, but it's like when you are a kid and told "you'll understand when you are older." Just because you are told something and now know it, doesn't mean you can truly realize what it means. Smokers trying to quit smoking know they should quit, but actually putting that into action is a totally different thing entirely.

I've posted about some of this before but I do think these are the most important things that affected me positively in the past year. I couldn't have made it through the last year without my family, starting to go to a therapist, and getting into Vinesauce and Love Live. First two are a given so I won't go into detail, and I've talked about the other two quite a lot but man, I just love them. Vinny is so much fun to watch, and has introduced me into a lot of cool music like this (maybe a little NSFW if you don't want others to see dancing 3D CGI glowing alien butts).
As for Love Live, I think I've said a ton about it in my other posts. But to sum it up, I'e never enjoyed something as much as I enjoyed Love Live. Plus I resonated with the franchise's core themes and messages so god damn hard. I can really tell just how much it has positively influenced me. I think the messages that have had the biggest effect on me are "It's okay to be yourself" and "You can do it". Really simple and honestly generic, maybe overused messages, but god, Love Live completely nailed the execution for me, and that's what matters. I still think Love Live has had the biggest positive impact on me out of anything in my life (aside from probably my mom). I've been depressed and felt like shit for years, and Love Live was the one thing that gave me the ability and motivation to change. Most importantly, I was actually able to follow through with that change.
I'm also just really passionate about the series, and it's quite nice to have something specific that you can say you are passionate about. I'm really passionate about Zelda too, but with Love Live being about music, with them performing live shows and new content always coming out, it's different than being passionate about a video game series that releases only every few years.

I'm extremely grateful for all of these things, and pretty happy with where I am in life right now.

This right here! This is what I hate about internet discussions (and to some extent, even real life discussions). Everyone is - obviously - in the right on everything, so noone even bothers listening to each other or trying to understand each other. Instead, people just shout at each other and try to drill their own opinions into other people, which of course doesn't work, so in the end, nothing has moved at all and the whole discussion was pretty much meaningless, except for stirring up emotions. This is true, no matter which "wing" or position you associate yourself with. And then people are surprised when someone like Trump becomes president or when people actually vote for the Brexit. Well, of course you're surprised if you don't ever even listen to other people and instead just defame them all the time. This, on the other hand, only deepens their opinion and doens't accomplish anything.

Just think what we could accomplish if people actually started discussing stuff again and finding compromises - not just shouting at each other furiously and pointing fingers at each other.

Anyways, I'm very glad to read that other people think like this, too (which is, I suppose, in theme with this thread).

Also glad that you were able to turn your life around and get to a point where you can feel happy and secure again. This is very important and I hope it can stay like this for a long time. Take care!

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Feel free to visit my website/blog - it's updated rarely, but it looks pretty cool!

Well, I just finished my freshman year of high school today, and I'm very happy about it. I can now relax and not think about anything school related until mid August. Not only that, but it should also make my acid reflux go away. I have to say, high school was pretty intimidating at first, but now I got pretty used to it, although the end of the year got quite stressful. Anyway, I'm looking really forward to summer vacation, and I hope sophomore year will be much better.

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Formerly known as nick 139
My YouTube channel