As we are all aware, knowing your enemy is half the battle when fighting evil. Therefore, I have decided to start this project to collect as many of the eShroom Corp ads as possible, so that we together can figure out who exactly this guy is and how to defeat him most efficiently. also because these things are freaking hilarious
If you happen to obtain the contents of an ad not already in this post, please put it here for further study by your fellow heroes.
Have your internets been too slow recently? Are the tubes being clogged? No more, with the new Freshernet Spray
. Spray directly into your local CAT-5 internet and it'll instantly work its way into the other internets, removing all the clogged internets it encounters. Our hired medical expert guarantees a successful internet after applying the Freshernet Spray on a daily basis.
(Regulations in certain geographical areas force us to warn about dangers of potentially permanent death caused by skin contact with the chemicals of the Freshernet Spray. Likewise, being in the same room as the spray when applied is not recommended due to glowy radioactive fumes.)
As a special offer, if you order the Freshernet Spray on your birthday, we will (for a substantial fee) include two additional cans of spray, a brand new CAT-5 internet and a warehouse's worth of books we failed to sell. Order today! ...or tomorrow. ...but preferably today!
As any serious gardener knows, Muncher plants (Omnomia nigrum) have really poor dental hygiene. Incredibly biased studies show that Muncher plants never brush their teeth. As such, your wonderful garden may suffer from the foul odor of flesh being digested.
To combat this problem, our intern scientist here at eShroom Corp has developed the groundbreaking (literally) Munchgum
, a chewing gum for Muncher plants to chew on. Half-assed mathematical theorems show that Munchgum reduces garden smell by 143% if fed to the plants 84 times per day.
To celebrate our one-year anniversary of being unable to sell this, we've prepared some special deals for you. If you order within the next few weeks, we'll offer you 14 additional boatloads of these for as low as $4.99 per gum.
How can anyone say no to such a deal? Well, that's what we're trying to figure out.
Order today from eShroom Corp. And remember, if it isn't eShroom Corp, please don't buy it.
We've all been there. You've touched an enemy and your Yoshi ran away. Either you have to run after it or find a replacement. Well, those problems are now over thanks to the latest invention from eShroom Corp: the brand new LickLock Leash
Using an unsuccessfully patented locking mechanism, you lock your Yoshi's tounge into the device and then place it on your belt, creating an all-natural leash to prevent your Yoshi from running off without causing permanent damage to itself.
As eShroom Corp is constantly trying to developing their products further, we're already underway at designing the next version, which we hope will eliminate up to 17% of the fatal lead poisoning this product allegedly causes in Yoshis it's used on. Said version will also include a functioning unlocking mechanism.
Animal cruelty experts have all given their thumbs up regarding this product, so there are no ethical dilemmas here. Therefore, don't hesitate to order right away! Remember, eShroom Corp is the friendly face in the sea of competent meanies!
Tired of eating mushrooms each and every day? Well, we here at eShroom Corp may have the solution. Our skilled staff of researching researchers have discovered that portions of the Porcu-Puffer is actually edible!
Using state-of-the-union technology, we're in 97% of the cases able to separate this portion of meat from the ridiculously lethal poison bladder without any severe leakage. Combine this with the finest deep frier we could find at the flea market and the result is the new PufferPuffs
, the sort of always safe snacks that tastes so good that you can't stop buying them.
Or CPR-trained janitor assures us that there is no medical reason to believe that you'll be one of the unlucky 18% who dies immediately after eating a single PufferPuff. So, don't be a coward and buy the snacks that are to die for! [TODO: I have to check with my cousin's lawyer friend if that joke is appropriate.] Only from eShroom Corp!
Jumping through pipes is too exhausting? Running to the right makes your legs hurt? You need your exercise, but the terrain is just too rough? Try the new Ab-ominizer
from eShroom Corp, your #3 choice in note block-based muscle training.
By laying down on the Ab-ominizer, you will instantly bounce upwards. Your muscles will then instinctively start moving to stop the fall. Continued use will lead to instinctively forced training of every single muscle in the body as you're endlessly bounced in a torturous cycle.
Order within 14 days and we'll also give you eShroom Corp's N-Cage
, a cage placed around the Ab-ominizer to avoid painfully lethal consequences when you accidentally bounce sideways, off the Ab-ominizer, absolutely free*.
Are you a normal citizen who envies [name removed due to court order] for all his super powers? Capes, Tanuki suits, Fireballs, they're all just out of your reach. To combat this, we here at eShroom Corp have developed the new PowerAna
to bring a super power to the common people. It's a revolutionary product, meaning that it grants you the power to spin uncontrollably. No foe (or anyone else for that matter) can survive touching you, making you essentially invulnerable.
Experiments performed on people suffering from acute motion sickness show that these people will get an additional feature: a liquid projectile of organic acids distributed around your surroundings (thanks to the spinning), creating an additional way to harm your enemies (and others). Due to this additional feature, people suffering from motion sickness have to pay triple price.
(eShroom Corp recommends against remaining in the same place for an extended period of time while using the PowerAna as all test subjects doing so were engulfed in magma before too long.)
So, what are you waiting for? Join the revolution and order it right away. Only at eShroom Corp!
eShroom Corp is hiring. Yes, you heard me correctly, we're hiring. Finally, you can fulfill your dream of working for a company so generous and friendly that we almost GIVE away coffee in our break room. Normally, we only hire the best people in their field (done by selling them a field and making them stand alone in it as we hire them via cellphone), but this is YOUR chance to work with some of the brightest minds on Earth (i.e. the test subjects whose brains we replaced with a battery powered lightbulb).
As a member of the eShroom Corp crew, you will do every kind of task imaginable: funny, interesting, mundane, questionable, life-threatening, awesome, inspirational and many more. So, expand your horizons (in our new camera lens attachment eye surgery experiments) and join us at eShroom Corp!
Like we always say: The future starts with YOU! God help us all!
We've all been there. You saved, left and then returned, only to find that all your lives are gone. Now, as the retail price of lives are at a baffling $100 each, we've decided to come up with a cheaper alternative. Instead of expensive mushroom farms, we here at eShroom Corp asked some college students to analyze the 1UP mushrooms for us to determine which of the enzymes found within it causes the healing abilities.
Out of the 718 possibilities they presented, we picked three that sounded good and began mass-producing them. The result is ChewyLives
, a series of pills that may or may not save you from the inconvenience of death. To help distinguish them from each other, we gave the three pill types diffent flavors: ChewyLives Strawberry
, ChewyLives Chocolate
and ChewyLife Oregano
. Which one will be your favorite?
ChewyLives - they have a slight chance of saving your life - only from eShroom Corp! Order today!
Are you tired of normal pets? Are you often hungry with no food in the house? So are we here at eShroom Corp. That's why we took some weekend classes in basic genetics and DNAed our way into creating a single solution to both problems!
Introducing the eShroom Corp Pop-Tart Cat
, a combined pet and snack in one. Using questionably ethical procedures, we've enhanced the Pop-Tart Cat's healing process. As a result, you can take a huge bite out of it and it'll heal and recover (physically) within minutes, ready to feed you again.
Order today, only from eShroom Corp!
[Editors note: Due to cease-and-desist orders from a company not even related to any relevant copyright/trademark holders, we've unfortunately been forced to discontinue this product. The remaining supply has been sent to a questionable euthanization facility's break room.]
Hi, this is your friend at eShroom Corp. The most juridically skilled person in our company mentioned how ROMs are illegal. Inspired, we decided to make a product to help people worried about big bad companies sending them to jail.
The result is LegBoot Deluxe
, a device that takes an illegal ROM and converts it into a RAM savestate with all the program code inside. From what I'm told, only ROMs are illegal, so these RAMs will save you tons of trouble. So, make friends with the law and keep playing ROMs for as low as $14.99!
We also have a combo pack. You can get both LegBoot Deluxe and LegBoot Classic
, our prototype version with half the features in the Deluxe edition. This pack can be yours for the ridiculously awesome price of just $19.99!
Tired of having your inbox filled with spam? Introducing the eShroom Corp's most popular product yet (over 10 sold!), the Veganoizer
What's so remarkable about the Veganoizer? Well, for one thing, it guarantees 100% removal of all spam. Another notable thing is that it holds the world record in most aggressive spam detection ever used in a commerical product. That means more spam caught!
(Warning: Use of Veganoizer for people who rely on email as their only source of human contact is not recommended as it has been known to cause loneliness-induced depression.)
So, are you going to let the spam pile up, or will you do what several others have and order your own copy of Veganoizer? Order now while our stocks of this digital product last.
Hello. This is the CEO of eShroom Corp writing an open letters to CEOs everywhere.
We've all been there: You're desperate to get your products sold, so you find a clump of websites to advertise on. However, those selfish assholes use automated processes to erase your spam. Well, no more!
Introducing the eShroom Corp SpamGuard Pro
, the best (as far as we know, and we didn't bother researching it, as we're really sure of ourselves) protection against automated deletion of your advertisement.
The nerds in charge of writing the code tell me that they use something called an "all-gore-ittim" (I hear it's some new technology for coding awesomeness) to detect automated deletion of advertisement by reticulating parametric usage histograms.
...you know what? We here at eShroom Corp are proud of making at least mostly functional products, but this sounds like bullshit. Something like this would never work. Forget we brought it up. My apologizes.
--------------------My YouTube channel
Get the official ASMT resource pack here