Hello, I am Villainous Villain, CEO of eShroom. Now, since we needed human subjects for our tests over at eShroom Labs, our entire sales team is being turned into some sort of soup as we speak. So, I have to do their job for them, lazy bastards, I am docking their pay when they get back, whether or not they are vegetables.
Anyhow, I am here to list all the amazing produces available from eShroom.
First up, we have the eShroom Floating Muncher Missile Launcher. Just input the target address, and everyone in the building will be eaten alive, leaving not a trace. This will not only get rid of your enemies swiftly, or just give you a good laugh, but also, give the local police or even the CIA a good mystery.
Next, we sell the eShroom Scratch, Sniff, and Explode Super Mario World Lottery Tickets. Just imagine the full bliss you might get when you realize you have won enough money to buy the eShroom Floating Muncher Missile Launcher, just before the ticket explodes and your face gets melted.
We sell these over the counter at the front desk of our home offices in Central City for 99 cents.
Next, we have the eShroom Lemon Drink. It acts like lemon flavored acid. When consumed, it will melt your insides within in 4.36 seconds, leaving you as nothing but skin and hair, and possible clothing. It is extremely delicious though, and will leave you in lemon heaven (Theoretically, it will not actually transfer you to Lemon Heaven) for the 4.36 seconds before the acid takes effect.
It costs $8.99 per gallon.
And finally, we have the eShroom Force Barrier, all you have to do is place the eShroom Force Barrier Rod around the area that you want to protect, set the radius, walk the proper distance away, and press the big red "Activate" button on the eShroom Force Barrier Control Remote and you are set. No one human will be able to get your precious items and anyone how tries either gets their testes to swallow each other and their brain shrink to half or 3 fourths in size, or they will get a new kind of terminal cancer that kills you in 2 minutes.
It is advised that you are careful not to lock the eShroom Force Barrier Control Remote in the barrier zone, or else you will never be able to get it or your valuables back, ever.
That is all we sell currently, however we at eShroom and eShroom labs are constantly coming up with new ideas for items to sell.
eShroom Corp is hiring. Yes, you heard me correctly, we're hiring. Finally, you can fulfill your dream of working for a company so generous and friendly that we almost GIVE away coffee in our break room. Normally, we only hire the best people in their field (done by selling them a field and making them stand alone in it as we hire them via cellphone), but this is YOUR chance to work with some of the brightest minds on Earth (i.e. the test subjects whose brains we replaced with a battery powered lightbulb).
As a member of the eShroom Corp crew, you will do every kind of task imaginable: funny, interesting, mundane, questionable, life-threatening, awesome, inspirational and many more. So, expand your horizons (in our new camera lens attachment eye surgery experiments) and join us at eShroom Corp!
Like we always say: The future starts with YOU! God help us all!
Mr. Creeper here with a brand new eShroom Corp product. Have you ever experienced painful showertimes in which you were attacked by giant radioactive spiders? Well now you can get the eShroom Giant Cat Thing! It chases those nasty spiders away, but make sure you have the eShroom Portable Shotgun, because once that cat is done it comes back and tries to destroy you! Call the number 7 now and you'll get the eShroom Giant Cat Thing for 1999.99 dollars plus an extra Giant Cat Thing for a low price of 999.99! Shipping and handling is free!